Well it’s been entirely too long since I’ve posted. Life has been busy, full of hospital visits, spider bites, car accidents, broken Mac, and the beginning of the school year. Let’s just say that I’m bushed. I drew a cartoon for this post but unfortunately I forgot to bring it with me to put it on. I will later tonight or by tomorrow.

So where am I with the battle? 17.4 pounds lighter… That’s right! Weight Watchers is working! They claimed I’m losing weight at a rapid pace… but isn’t that the point?  Get rid of the excess now in as quick and healthy way possible so I can live freely? Honestly, I was surprised I lost weight at all. Considering I am half-way doing the program and eating when I want, what I want. I know that’s not the greatest idea, but things have been stressful and busy. When I’m back to school I barely have time to brush my teeth let alone think about what’s going in my body. I actually think that all the stress in some strange way has helped me. Let me explain…

I just started school at the end of August. The second week of classes I became ill. The doctor told me to stay out of class and get better she was “concerned about my health.” She insisted we have a follow-up  and by the look in her eyes I knew where the conversation was about to head. During the follow-up I was still sick, physically exhausted and having “a mean case of the reds.” The doctor was actually very nice. She was the first physician that approached me about my morbid obesity as if I were a human being not a toddler that lacked self-discipline. She spoke to me, not at me.


**ATTENTION: All the doctors in the world, this is the best way to address a patient particularly someone who is obese. It doesn’t help if you  simply tell them what to do like they are incompetent or a child. I mean clearly there is something wrong, but you don’t have to degrade them. I guarantee they do enough of that themselves. SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be patient, be kind, and firm. This will more likely yield the best results, especially if they WANT to lose weight. If not then your wasting your breath…

**End Announcement

Anyway… she asked me about my issues with weight. I gave her the whole spiel. Even the story about going to the hospital during the summer for my throat and leaving sobbing because I had never, not even once, in the last 8 years been properly weighed. Actually, before coming to college I took a physical and the nurse told me I had lost weight I was down to 3??. COMPLETE LIE! Sorry, I’m getting off track. So I went to the hospital, and I suppose I offended the nurse there by writing the weight I was given the year before on the sheet. She asked me in a highly offensive tone to follow her. She put me on an electronic handi-capable scale. The number came up in kg. She said, “THIS is how much you weigh!” in a seething tone. I looked confused and said, “Ok?”

**Sidenote: Who honestly knows how to convert kg to lb in there head in 10 seconds? ANYONE? If you do please comment and I will send you a virtual cookie because obviously this chick had lost her mind…

She continued, “NO. This is how much you weight!” She pressed the pounds button and the most horrifying defining moment of my life happened. Within 2 seconds, 5 seconds tops, I had went from being comfortable and confident to utterly self-loathing and angry. “484” I just looked at her. I didn’t know what to say. I wish I could tell you I was embarrassed but I wasn’t. I was hurt. She went on in her accusing, self-righteous, bitchy tone. “I just wanted to let you know, because what you put on your form was incorrect…” blah, blah, blah…I  kind of blacked out.

I was in an emotional carven of despair by this point. I was trying to hold it together. I have over the years developed this ability to act as if everything is ok even though inside I am a wreck. It really is a cool trick to have up one’s sleeve. It is harder than it looks; the ability to be so convincing that your okay that you being to believe it yourself. It allows you to go on, even in the darkest times. By far, this was one of the darkest. However, that day my disguise wasn’t affective enough. I said, “ok.” I went back into the room with my parents. My mother looked at me and knew instantly something was wrong. After we left out of the registration office I broke. I couldn’t even make it to the door. I just started sobbing. I was a mess. Let’s just say the rest of the story doesn’t get better.

So I explained this to the campus doctor she was impressed how lightly I was retelling the story, joking and laughing. (Another defense mechanism…) I told her about deciding to do Weight Watchers, etc. She was glad to hear that I wanted to try for myself. Then she went on this whole thing about having a support system. (Heard it too many times) So she sent me to the counselor…


I was upset about it but in the coolest tone possible I said, “Ok, that’s fine.” I’m not sure about that, but there is a horrible stigma that comes along with counseling. I partake fully in that myth. I know I shouldn’t, and the counselor was nice, and “helpful”, but I just don’t like to talk about my emotions. She kept saying, “Yes, but how did that make you FEEL?” SO CLICHÉ! I cancelled the next appointment. I am sure that I will go again one day, but I felt like I was being analyzed. She was too professional. I can’t share how I feel with someone who is analyzing everything I do and say, in a way that I know they are analyzing it. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I won’t ever be going to counseling again. *whew* I’m glad I got that out of my system. :~)

I also have gone to the campus nutritionist. We had an interesting talk. I feel like after the break down this summer, little by little I’m regaining my emotional strength. I should explain that I promised my self I would never get over 400 lbs. At the time I probably was 400 lbs but didn’t know due to insufficient scales. I had lived my life as a 350 young woman not a nearly 500 lb young woman. I was- I mean, I am extremely active. I walk around everywhere! I do musical theater. I am “normal.” Or as close to normal as I can possible be while still being overweight. After I “discovered” the truth. I felt all wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be alive, let alone do the things I had done. I since have suffered, illness, chest pain, back pain, and random aches. Not all news is good news. Ignorance is bliss, and in my case it was the best remedy to my problem. However, now that I know  the truth I can’t cry over spilled milk. I have to try to stay positive. I have to remember that before I knew my real weight I did all of those things and the pains of my body are a symptom of knowing that knowledge. Now I know how Adam and Eve felt after they ate from the Tree… I can’t even imagine going through this naked.